What things in used car ads really mean
0 Miles on restoration—Couldn't get the car to start.
95% Completed—Just needs a frame!
Actual documented miles—Seller just created and printed all the service records last week.
All options—Still has the original AM pushbutton radio and cigarette lighter. (Neither work, of course!)
All original—Right down to the oil, tires, and plugs! Nothing was ever done to the car.
Always garaged—Because the car would never start to back it out of the garage!
Always starts—But has no brakes, so you can't drive it anywhere.
Be the only one on your block—To have a car that really belongs at a salvage yard.
Car has some imperfections—Most people will agree that a rusted through shock tower is an imperfection.
Celebrity owned—Everybody is a star.
Collector's item—If you hang on to it long enough, it might actually be worth something.
Convertible—Roof rusted through, so it was cut off. Not recommended in the rain.
Clean title—The car is a real mess, but the title doesn't even have a smudge on it.
Daily driver—300-Mile round trip.
Drives like a dream—If it drives good, you must be dreaming!
Elderly owned—And they've hit the garage, the tree in the front yard, and the neighbor's car.
Engine blueprinted— A can of Krylon blue spray paint was recently sprayed on valve covers, air cleaner, hood, battery, hoses, belts, etc.
Engine rebuilt—By the 14 year old kids down the street. They wanted to learn how, and the price was right!
Enjoy cruising—In someone else's car, since this one will never make it across town.
Excellent example—Of what NOT to do when you're restoring a car.
Frame off restoration - Had to, because the frame had rusted through.
Freshly rebuilt engine—Ignore the blue smoke coming from the exhaust.
Fully equipped - And all of the accessories need to be fixed.
Fully loaded - And so is the owner.
Genuine leather upholstery—More than likely, the seller wouldn't know real leather from vinyl if it brushed up against him and "Mooed!" Ever seen a cow with a petroleum by-product for skin?
Good investment opportunity—For someone else.
Great gas mileage - Won't run, so doesn't use any gas!
Great parts or project car—Bring a big truck, everything is already taken apart and boxed up. Boxes have been stored in three locations, in three different states!
Great running condition—That's what you'll need to be in if you buy this car, it never gets you to your destination!
Ground up restoration—Car sat in a muddy field for 20 years, so it had to be dug out to be moved.
Hurry, won't last!—Even now, Mother Nature has already begun the process of recycling this car.
Hurry! Summer's coming!!—Buy it now and drive it before the weather gets hot, because this thing overheats when the temperature is over 70 degrees! Oh, and the air conditioning doesn't work, either.
Impress all your friends—Your neighbors will all hate you when you unload this car next to the house, but your friends will be impressed with how brave you are for doing it.
I've tried to show everything in the pictures—Of course, the car pictured isn't the car for sale.
Just aligned—But it won't stay aligned with those worn out front suspension parts.
Less than 500 miles on total restoration—Keeps breaking down, just like before the restoration.
Listing this for a friend—Because the friend was too embarrassed to do it themselves!
Looks great—At 70 mph. At night. In the rain.
