Laugh for the Day

[Graybeard]

OK let's start a thread about the laugh for the day. I'll begin by swiping a joke from someone else, hey I have to I have none of my own.


A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?" "At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

[Graybeard]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[Graybeard]

I'm so ugly, when I was born my mother said "What a treasure!"

and my dad replied "Yes, let's go bury it."

[powderman]

BILL, thanks, good ones.  Ol 49er has some good ones too. Hope this takes off, I'll have no reason to try to get back on the other board. CHARLIE.

[Graybeard]

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

[Graybeard]

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

[The Old Man]

you just had me laughing harder than some of the stuff ex-49er posted! Good one Bill!

[oldandslow]

For someone that has no jokes of his own you are doing pretty good GB. Keep it up. The ONLY joke I seem to be able to remember is about the two cannibals eating a clown and it's just too lame to post.

[Graybeard]

I just copied them from another source and posted them here to try to get the thread started, someone else needs to jump in and help carry the load.

[Graybeard]

On the way home from the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet and sad. His father noticed him crying and asked,

"What's wrong, little Johnny?"

Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you!!"

[Graybeard]

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

[Graybeard]

A Collection Of Insults

You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.

In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.

You are master in your own house -- the doghouse!

When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.

You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.

Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.

Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.

People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.

Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.

[Graybeard]

NASCAR

N- non
A- athletic
S- sports
C- centered
A- around
R- rednecks

and the best one you have heard lately

"I'm so glad that GBO changed the format on their website. The old one was just too easy to navigate and everybody loves a challenge"

[geezerbiker]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom dwelling, low life, slime sucker and the other is a fish...


Tony

[Graybeard]

Elaine went to visit the much heralded local fortune-teller.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Elaine stared at the woman's haggard face, then at the single, flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

[Graybeard]

Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.

When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."

There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention. Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."

Bill, his father in law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

[Graybeard]

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.

I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

[Graybeard]

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

[geezerbiker]

 ** McDonnell Douglass F- or X-series warranty information **
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[wtxbadger]

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.

[geezerbiker]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going
to town. The boy rode on the donkey and
the old man walked. As they went along
they passed some people who remarked
it was a shame the old man was walking
and the boy was riding. The man and boy
thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both
would walk! Soon they passed some
more people who thought they were
stupid to walk when they had a decent
donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that
shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were
probably right, so they decided
to carry the donkey. As
they crossed the bridge, they lost
their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass good-bye.

[Graybeard]

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

[Graybeard]

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

[Graybeard]

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet.

He goes up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"My change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

[Graybeard]

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, I resent that! The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redneck. The redneck looked at him and said, You stay outta this, Im talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

[Graybeard]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

[powderman]

BILL, good ones. CHARLIE. 

[geezerbiker]

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons fordrawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



However, another group of computer scientists (all female) thinks that computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male.

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

[geezerbiker]

                         Dubious metrics
                         ---------------

A millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship.

A microhelen is the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor.

A megahelen is the amount of beauty required to make the sailor think in any other terms than a one-night stand.

But this is all rather bogus, since we are applying metric prefixes to
Troy units.

10^18 minations               = 1 examination
10^15 coats                     = 1 petacoat
10^12 bulls                      = 1 terabull
10^12 microphones          = 1 megaphone
10^12 pins                      = 1 terrapin
millions and billions          = 1 Sagan
10^9 lows                       = 1 gigalow
10^9 antics                     = 1 gigantic
10^9 questions                = 1 gigawhat
10^9 micrometers            = 1 kilometer or 200 pentameters
10^6 bicycles                   = 2 megacycles
2*10^3 millinaries            = 4 seminaries or 1 binary
2*10^3 mockingbirds        = 2 kilo mockingbird
10^12 dactyls                   = 1 teradactyl
10^15 philes                     = 1 petaphile
10^18 stentials                 = 1 exastential

10 cards                           = 1 decacard
10 decor                           = 1 hector
10 dence                          = 1 decadence
10 halls with boughs of holly   = decahalls with etc.
10 millipedes                    = 1 centipede
10 monologues                 = 5 dialogues or 1 decalogue
10 rations                        = 1 decoration
5 holocausts                     = 1 Pentecost
3 1/3 tridents                   = 1 decadent
2 bulls                             = 1 Pair a bull
1 centipede/second           = 1 velocipede

10^-1 mate                     = 1 decimate
10^-2 mentals                 = 1 centimental
10^-5 dollars                   = 1 Millicent
10^-6 fish                        = 1 microfiche
10^-6 scope s                  = 1 microscope
10^-9 goats                     = 1 nanogoat
10^-9 Nanettes                = 1 nanoNanette
10^-12 boos                    = 1 picoboo
10^-12 boulevards           = 1 pico-boulevard
10^-12 dillies                   = 1 picodilly
10^-15 fatales                 = 1 femtofatale
10^-15 bismol                 = 1 fepto bismol
10^-18 boys                    = 1 atto boy
nano-nano                       = a prefix designating 10^-18

[Graybeard]

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.